I've suffered from depression on and off since 7th or 8th grade. I suppose the fact that it keeps coming back means that it's always been there. It just goes through cycles. I've gone to see counselors several times, and as a psych major I know that that's the best thing to do, but I can't seem to connect with them. I can't bring myself to be honest, I hide things from them, I don't expect them to genuinely care. They're being paid to listen to me whine about crap that most normal people don't have problems with.
I don't trust them.
I don't trust a lot of people, and it all boils down to the fact that I don't trust them to care. I don't trust that they have my best interest at heart, or that I'm not bugging them by asking them for what I need. I don't trust them, even my family and loved ones, to love me unconditionally. I can't seem to believe that they can do what I find easily - loving someone, giving, caring about their day-to-day wellbeing without resenting it.
Sometimes I come closer to believing it, but I always shy away from talking about the hard stuff because I feel like it's asking too much of them. I don't want to dump on them, and confrontation makes me puke. (Literally, sometimes.) I don't know how to talk to people about problems when I feel ignored or less important than I'd like. I hate making people feel bad, so how am I supposed to tell them that I'm dissatisfied with the way things are at the moment?
The depression and dark thoughts are always at their worst at night, when things are quiet except inside my head. Then the screaming starts - when I'm so tired of things being the same day in and day out, when I'm tired of not having any excitement, when I'm tired of feeling like capable wallpaper, when I'm so very tired of feeling like I'm stagnating. It usually goes away in the morning, but nights like tonight I flash back to when I would deal with this overwhelming barrage of emotions by cutting myself. I don't do that anymore, haven't in about a year or more. It was a way of releasing the pressure. But now I have writing and games and so many other things that help a bit to distract that banshee bit of my brain. I've made progress...I think.
Tonight it's just hard to see it.